Reflections on my Grandmother

Friday my cousin and I went to pack my grandmother's things at the nursing home. She sure had a lot of stuff in that room. It was very hard to do and all of grandma's friends and caregivers came by to see us and express their condolences. For some reason I thought that people in jobs like that, exposed to sickness or death in hospitals or nursing homes, didn't get too attached. I was so wrong. They cried right along with us.

I had to chuckle when we opened up the last drawer in her dresser to find a drawer dedicated to candy. Marshmallows and suckers and chocolates. Oh my! I am sure I will have a candy drawer myself someday. If you talk to my friend Lisa she will tell you stories of the shoe box I kept under the bed as a kid, filled with candy. The sweet tooth gene certainly runs in our family. Dessert was always mandatory when you went out to eat with my grandma. Even if you couldn't finish your meal, you could finish a dessert.

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Sunday and Monday were very, very long days for us. When I woke up on Sunday, I just wanted it to be Tuesday morning.

Sunday was visitation. We were able to share a lot of funny stories about grandma with our family and friends. They knew my grandma but they didn't know how in the past year she started eating stuff she never ate before in her life. Her appetite totally changed. She started eating things like chili and cheeseburgers and put ketchup on everything. She told me she had her first cheeseburger earlier in the year. I am not sure if I believe that or not!

She also learned how to operate an elevator by herself at age 88. She and her sidekick Margaret decided they wanted to go downstairs and they did not need assistance. Margaret is in a motorized wheelchair and she gets on the elevator first. It takes awhile for her to get the chair inside the elevator. Meanwhile, the elevator door closes and my grandmother never made it on the elevator. Margaret is alone and she is gone. She cannot reach the buttons and is terrified. When the elevator comes back up to the 2nd floor and the door opens to Margaret's very upset face, my grandmother is laughing. This is just one of many stories we have from her time in the nursing home.

When you think of nursing homes, you tend to think of all the bad things. Like bad nurses or poor care. My grandmother's home was anything but. She loved the staff and they loved her. She had (in my opinion) the best year of her life in 2008. Margaret and my grandmother would like to sit outside when the weather was nice and they would giggle like school girls when they would greet everyone walking by. They were always together. They never missed bingo games and I enjoyed sitting with them. My grandmother was always very lucky and would win frequently. Granted, the stakes weren't high. Regular bingo paid 25 cents and the coverall paid $1.00. One of my family members counted up all her change from bingo winnings and she had over $100!

My grandmother loved to play cards. She and Margaret would put on their floppy hats and sit out on the balcony and play cards all the time. They recently dressed up for their Halloween party and my grandma won a prize for scariest costume. She was dressed up as a devil. Also our state fair has a contest for the Ugliest Lamp. It can be a lamp you create or something that was just butt-ugly in it's original unaltered state. My grandmother decorated a lamp for the contest and it certainly qualified! It didn't win, but she enjoyed the contest and we got to see it on display at the fair and a local restaurant. We were so proud of her.

We were able to share some of these stories with our friends to keep us from crying too much at the funeral home.

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Monday (yesterday) was the funeral. It was very cold and were were hoping for some big fluffy snowflakes as she loved to watch the snow fall. We did get a little but it was mostly sleet. The music my mom picked out was lovely and the acoustics of the very old beautiful church made the music even more powerful. The Ave Maria sung in latin was something that would make me cry, even if I was not at my grandmother's funeral. Very powerful.

It was an overwhelming day.

Tonight I was getting out some Christmas decorations and set up the nativity scene. My grandmother made them in ceramics many, many years ago and I think everyone in our family has a set that she made. They were special to me before, but now, they have even more meaning.

I think of all the things my grandmother created and I know I owe my creativity to her. Thank you grandma for such a wonderful gift.

Your loving spirit will always live on in us.

A Tragic Loss

Last night was a busy "before the holiday" kind of night. I was busy making a cheesecake, some jello salad and an appetizer. The counter was covered and dishes were everywhere. I enlisted my son's help to wrap up birthday gifts for my grandmother, whose birthday is today. He picked out the gift bags and coordinated tissue and wrapped up each item with love. Earlier in the afternoon, I wrote a blog post about Thanksgiving to be posted today and mentioned how thankful I was to have my grandmother.

During all this activity, I received a call from my mother just before 11 pm and I could immediately tell something was wrong when she said my name. The nursing home had called her to tell her to come right away. Then they called again to say my grandmother had already passed away. It seems her heart may have stopped. She passed away quickly.

About 14 months ago, she had a heart attack at home (she lived alone) and then was diagnosed with congestive heart failure. At her age (late 80's) she was not a candidate for any surgery to repair her heart. She was admitted to a nursing home when she was discharged from the hospital. In the past 14 months she had a rebirth of sorts. She made lots of friends and participated in all the activities. She made a best friend in another resident named Margaret who is a sweetheart. They played cards all the time and talked about drinking a beer together, although I don't think they ever did. Her group of friends were known as the "Lollipop Gang" at the nursing home for their routine of eating DumDum suckers during bingo each Sunday. She never wanted to miss any of the bingo games. We had photos of her smiling! It was a side of her we had not seen before. And we basked in it. The staff at the nursing home loved her and treated her wonderfully. She was determined to walk without a walker and she did. We were so happy to see her happy. There were times recently that she expressed a desire to leave and go back home, but I think she knew that would not happen as she could not live alone. I think she missed her house and neighbors.

When my paternal grandmother passed away many years ago, I had deep regret. Mostly that I had selfishly not spent enough time with her. I was younger then but that's no excuse. That pain stays with me to this day. And I learned a hard lesson from her passing. With my maternal grandmother I can honestly say that I have so many happy memories with her and she knew how much I really loved her. I have no regrets this time.

It is amazing how many tears can come out of one person. My eyes are so swollen and puffy and my head hurts. One of the things I wish I could change about myself is my depth of emotion. I am so emotional. I couldn't sleep and have been writing a eulogy in my head for hours so I thought I would get up and start typing away. When the pain is not so fresh, I will write more. I just had to get this off my chest.

Our Thanksgiving dinner is planned for 2 pm today but I don't know what we are doing yet. I think grandma would still want us to get together. I am just not sure we can handle it. I have not talked to anyone yet this morning.

When you are with your family today for Thanksgiving, hug them tight!
And give thanks that you have them. Don't have regrets for things unsaid and undone.

Love to you all.


Grandma, Mom, Me - October 2008